What's Going On?
- Marvin Gaye


You know... There was a time, way back when, when life was working FOR me. Now, I'm not going to complain about the state of affairs or that life sucks or anything like that. I'm content in my position and I've made a certain peace with all the sneaky, sly, evil things I've done so far...

In June of 1993, I took a part time job delivering pizzas. No glamour, no love - Just money. I started as a sort of "fill-in" guy just after another guy who was hired that same week. He had just a tad more seniority and got preference on the schedule only because he beat me to the job by about a week. But that shit didn't last. Fuckin' guy decided not to show up and when he did he was worthless at everything he did. Every time he called off or screwed up, I was right there to "help" the managers in their time of need. And what did I care? Yeah, I was working 6 nights a week and had no life, but most people don't really realize that I am, and was, a major nerd and didn't have a life anyways. Aside from a killer trip to Mackinac Island that year, my summer was work-work-work and I loved it. When the 93-94 school year started, I was still dreaming of the late nights, crazy tips, sleeping in, and cold pizza and warm coke breakfasts I had every morning. It was a life unlike any other. Loose, vulgar, dangerous... Swearing and sleazy innuendo was (and is) a must in this line of work. By this time, though, everyone was breaking balls about college. I had never put thought to any of this because I could never figure out what I wanted to do. Writing? Naw. Music? HA! I was still hiding many truths about getting kicked out of the High School Varsity Band from my mom! It just hit me one morning, when we had a teachers in-service day and school started an hour and a half late. Troy, Randy, Nikki, Mike and I had breakfast and the (then) Commodore Cafe in Perrysburg. Cappuccino and pastries and that distinct atmosphere that only a fine restaurant can create...

To me, this is all very clear. I was roaming around with a little red box in my car that was ALWAYS stuffed with $10's and $20's and I was infatuated with the idea of "eating". In other words, I was making money off of food and I loved eating food. I wanted to be a chef. A crazy life that's brutally hard and unloving, but one that was so utterly intriguing to me. Let me remind you, that this was well before the dawning of cutesy RE-MO catch phrases like "let's kick it up a notch" and clean-white-apron celebrities filling up time slots on the Food Network. Let's kick it up a notch? How about - Let's kick you in the crotch... Fucker...

All right then... What went wrong? Two distinct events occurred right after I graduated from High School and I was taken for a ride by both. One, I started dating my ex-GF Hollie. Two, one of my professors convinced me I needed to get out of Pizza Delivery and work in a bakery. So, while my new found live Hollie was systematically breaking me and forcing the idea of marriage on me, I decided to give up making close to $350 dollars a week (Wages, Tips, and mileage - Damn good money for an 18 year old in 1994...) for a $5.25 an hour job working in a bakery at 5:00 in the AM 4 days a week. The money dried up. No more late nights, free food or sleeping in. School got harder to handle and I got more and more stressed out. I very quickly turned in the horrible person you all love and know today.

I can't complain because it's all my fault. I vaguely remember Troy and my mom telling me not to get involved with Hollie and I should've fuckin'-better-known-better that to quit a good paying job with great hours while I was trying to go to school. But it doesn't change the fact that I lost my "Lust for Life", to quote a great man. Eventually, eating and exploring food became very NOT important. Suddenly, all I knew was "Work" and "Girlfriend". Get to work by 9:00am, get out of work and over to the GF's place by 6:00pm or so, stay till 1:00am watching TV or making out, then start it all over again the next day. And this same terrible routine was EVERY day. I wanted to be creating skyscraper desserts and I wanted to be making ethereal sauces of an epic nature, but instead I was scraping to pay bills (which eventually wasn't all that important) and doing what the "love" in my life wanted.

Now, this isn't all bad. I've had a few victories... Like my fascination with The Cheesecake... I've heard my Cheesecakes are pretty good. And what about my raspberry coulis? You can't have a cheesecake without the coulis!!! I developed a love of wine and scotch, and I'm all about a good cigar. Honestly, and I'm a little reluctant to give this credit, but Hannah (GASP!) gave me a renewal on my love of food. Trips to Vegas and Little Italy, cooking food on the grill, making her breakfasts and lunches and all that... I still felt it was possible to get back to my love of food. Even though she ditched me (and she did) the food thing got big for me again. Late nights at Cosmo's cooking pasta on someone else's dime, Jeb's Sangria, sandwiches with Baxter and Nicole on 9/11, dinners at my place... I've grown so much since 2001, and after reading Kitchen Confidential and working for Linda at the Grill, I'm back to lusting after a life in the Kitchen.

Which is why things are tough all over again. I'm finding myself victim to my own advice now: Quoting Dennis Miller and Denis Leary on life has come around to bite me in the ass.

Sorry boys, Life CAN be a mother fucker...
- Dennis Miller

I'm trying to decide weather I want "the Love" or weather I want "the Life". It's never occurred to me that I could, technically, have both if I work at it. Love is not easy. It takes time, patience and hard work. These jagoffs who get married after only knowing someone for three months are suckers. They're digging their own graves and all I can do is quote Dennis Miller again:

He was a slack-jawed little fuckin' rat and all rats need to suck the pipe - BABY!


this all comes up because of the week I've had. Business has been up at the Grill, my cousin just got married, and I'm taken with the idea of someone I was introduced to. It goes something like this...

Friday the 19'th - Steve, Jeb, Anne and I went to see the remake of Dawn of the Dead. AMAZING movie too! I'm not overly impressed with horror flicks, but I'm fascinated with zombies. I was REALLY into the first Resident Evil and this movie just blew me away. The photography, music and makeup was amazing, and the story wasn't cheesed up. I was SO into it. I tried not to think much of what was really going on, but Anne was meeting someone for a date after the movie. She tried telling me a few times over that she really hates being set up and did NOT want to go out with this guy.
Saturday the 20'th - My cousin Rebecca got married. Congrats to her and her husband Stephen Grinch. (No, I'm NOT kidding - his name IS Grinch...)
Sunday the 20'th - I had breakfast her at my place. Fresh baked muffins and scones, sausage gravy and biscuits, eggs with asparagus tips and roma tomatoes, and prosciutto stuffed crepes. I also made a nice orange fluff cake with a side of Strawberries macerated in Balsamic vinegar. (So good!)

So then there is Monday. I woke up to a screeching alarm clock and a groggy sense of who I am. I flipped on the radio to catch the weather (Oldies 93.5 is my favorite station) and the song "Let it Be" by the Beatles was on. I hate to admit this, but I love that song. When I'm feeling REALLY bad, that song or "My Sweet Lord" by George Harrison always seems to help. My faith, incidentally, never died. I just tried ignoring it. No More Though - I am Lutheran, hear me roar.

I spent another week right by Linda's side. Soups, specials, and those damned apple dumplings. Apple Dumplings piss me off. They taste SO good, but I can't make them without listening to "The Hustle" by Van McCoy while I work. It's a long story.

Thursday was the turning point for me. I work with Kelly on Thursdays instead of Linda. It's an interesting thing to watch us working together. Especially when I do my retard thing with Kelly where I yell: "KEHHH-WEEE!!! KEHHH WEEE!!!" but, back to business... Kelly and I went to Howard's to sit while she smoked a cigarette and Paul Garno was there. Paulie is a bit older but sharp. Real sharp... I was droning on about love and life and Paul just sat there grinning. I finally made the comment that when I met the one person I'm supposed to be with, I'll be flat broke and won't have the ability to pursue it. That's when Paul took a long drag off on his Marlboro Red and said: "Yeah, but sometimes that what makes a couple work..."

DAMMIT! Why are old people always so wise?

Baxter also came to the Grill Thursday for a quick bite to eat and we sat and talked about the state of affairs to be... After all was said and done, I was ready to disband my hopes of "the Love" for a life of comfort. (Hey, you can't get hurt when there is no one there to leave you, right?) But, alas, things don't ever work out the way you want them to. Baxter and I went to the BG-Rec center to work out later that evening and I got a taste of the rock-climbing wall. I loved the feeling of pulling myself up that wall -UNTIL- I looked down. I was only about 35 feet up,but I froze up. I hate being that high up without being in complete control. The only control I had was hanging on for dear life and not moving a muscle. With the help of an attractive but smelly hippie-girl, I crawled back down with no incident. While Baxter kept working on the while, I went and did 2 miles on a treadmill, 20 minutes on a bike - I like the rolling hills setting - and 20 minutes of pull-ups. I did my cool-down by walking 5 laps on the upstairs track and I finished all of it off with a half-hour in the hot tub. I missed out on some Sauna action, but hey - I'll live.

After a nice hot shower, I felt Good. Like I had expelled something that was weighing me down. I've been pretty sick over the past few months and this was just such a good feeling to have. I was beat, but it felt better than having all that pent up energy.

And then there is yesterday. Yesterday was weird. Business was bumpin' at the Grill. I had to make those apple dumplings which I Love\Hate and Jeb and Steve came to have lunch. Bascially, those two spent the whole day convincing me to "go" for Anne and that I CAN have both "the Love" and "the Life". Somehow, Steve always tries to get us to go to Junction to drink but not last night. I hate Junction (But I love their Cajun Chicken Sandwich) and don't care how much free shit we can score - I DON'T like drinking Glen Livet out of a plastic cup dammit!! We spent a significant amount of time at SamB's though, chatting up the intricacies of life and how everything can and will work out. And you know what? They're right. With a little work and a lot of heart, well, you know... It's like Bowie said:

We can be Hero's, even if just for one day...


BBGL - We need to put that man BACK in the pulpit!

BLASTING INTO SPACE! THE PLANET OF THE APES!!! EVOLUTIONS ONE HERO!!
- The Misfits

Before we get going - Yes, I like the Misfits. I always have, but it's never sounded as good to me as it has recently. And to top it off, my brother gave a me a copy of "Project 1950" on vinyl. Not just vinyl, but a creepy radioactive-green vinyl. It's like Edwards once said to me while I was in SD - "If you gotta do 'evil', you might as well do it right..."

In my spare time over the last couple weeks, I've come closer to finishing my concept-album "The Dead Walk in BG". This concept started back in June of last year when I recorded the actual track of "The Dead Walk in BG". It was just before Baxter's wedding and it was a shit night in BG. So at like 3:00 in the AM I started recording this song which spawned a bunch of other songs I tried dropping on Jeb but he wasn't into. Anyways, this idea was inspired by the movie "Resident Evil" and with the "Dawn of the Dead" coming out this week, I just got into the mood to pull it out. The music is like 75% finished and incorporates a lot of eerie padding, lush string arrangements and thump-thump techno beats. I managed to front a copy to my co-worker Jake who has agreed to design and illustrate a cover booklet. My idea is to give him free-reign to make a mini-graphic novel to follow the music. And I guess he's into it...


So, from that we go over to the other end of the spectrum...

I went to church with my mom last night to see some Christian Pop Singing group. There were a lot of fine looking women in that group there but my mom wouldn't let me volunteer to put any of them up for the night. I also go in trouble for laughing really hard when the girls in the group did a song about "getting on the J-Train".

Today I went and had breakfast with my Mom at the IHOP, then we went over to Pier 1 to harass Jeb and I came back here to clean up the house a little. Time Warner is supposed to come tomorrow to lay a new line for my cable modem and God bless them for it.

Well, I'm going to finish working on some new SvsS breaks and loops. Before I go, what happened to Pragmatic Dreamer? I'm out for a day and everything in my world changes. STOP IT!

JAY: Hey... Emanuel Lewis turned 33 today...
JAKE: What? Inches?

Well, the week has come and gone.

Things have been tense and somber, to say the least. I myself have done a lot of sleeping as I am still trying desperately to shake what's left of this cold I caught. It's funny, to think, that in the blink of an eye everyone's world has been turned upside down...

Linda came back to work yesterday and it was good to be around her again. For the most case she was upbeat and on her game, but we all know how she really feels.

I'm being selfish about this too. I'm happy that she's back at work and that "my" world is returning to normal and that's just not right. She's going through so much and it's hard for me to do anything but smile and go with the "yes ma'am" routine. I really need a cigar.

My cable modem has been going down quite frequently lately. Time Warner came out and said I could either put in a wireless router or run a new line to the back of the house. (sigh) So Monday I get a new line and maybe, just maybe, more than 5 fuckin' minutes of uptime.

Next week is going to be weird too. The guy who's interested in buying The Grill from Linda will be shadowing her next week, and then Saturday my Cousin Rebecca is getting married. People, look... Don't get my started.

Weird thing this week: I was walking home from work Saturday and this really cute blonde girl who works at Mr. Spots walked past me and gave me this HUGE smile. No reason, just locked eyes and a smile. So weird. For those of you NOT in the "know", I don't get smiled at. Not for any reason. I'm mean and bitter and if I'm talking to you, you've defiantly done something right. Not that I'm an elitist, I'm just not social.

And finally I want to do some cooking. I want to knock out a big fat Italian meal. I was thinking of making my own ravioli and doing up some Canollies. Baxter and I went to the Sofo's market in Toledo last Saturday and picked up some good stuff (Garlic Pepper Bread!) the had dinner at Trattoria Sofo. It's no Little Italy, but it was damned good.

I also went and saw Starsky & Hutch with Jeb and Kristen. I liked it. I thought it was a funny film, although not the best thing I've seen this year. I liked The Passion a lot more. Actually, there will be a lot of good movies coming out soon. Hellboy and the Dawn of the Dead remake are looking damned good. I'm still not sure about Jersey Girl, but this summer we get Van Helsing, Spiderman 2 and Resident Evil 2. Those are just the big ones. There are a bunch of others I'm psyched up for too. The Girl Next Door looks pretty funny and sleazy so you know I'll have to hit that one up.

Well, that's the week thus far. I'm finally getting back into the swing of things, but I still have very little energy. I've been drinking so much OJ that's I'm starting to break out because of all the Vitamin C. Yeah, just what I need. 28 years old and I'm still getting zits. DAMMIT!

Five Songs for Another Work Week:
Semisonic - FNT
Rhythm Heritage - Theme from S.W.A.T.
Buck-O-Nine - I'm the Man
Jerry Reed - Amos
Plastic Bertand - Ca Plane Pour Moi


PS - Rosemary Clooney was SO hot when she was young.

Just when you think it can't get any worse...

This was a horrid weekend.

And I'm not just saying that to be whiney, I'm dead serious. DEADLY fuckin' serious...

This whole mess started Wednesday when I felt a little rundown after work. I didn't think much of it, because I do tend to run myself pretty hard sometimes. Thursday and Friday though, I had a pretty bad sore throat. Then came Saturday. The coughing started and the congestion built up and the next thing you know, I'm done...

Sunday was when the bomb dropped though...

I woke up around 9:30 or so, and I could barely move. Everything, and I mean everything, that was (and is) my body hurt. I was dizzy, coughing and hacking, constantly blowing my nose. I had slept nearly ten hours, but I was absolutely drained. I spent the whole day in bed, coughing until my chest and throat hurt so bad, I could barely breath. I was miserable.... And of course, I asked that Cosmically Rhetorical Question - Could it get any worse?

It did.

I got a call around 7:00 PM from my roommate Billy's Sister. She commented on how bad I sounded, then steamrolled right into one of the worst things I could have possibly heard. She told me that Linda's (My boss!) son had murdered his girlfriend. I froze up. I had just spend two weeks working with this guy while his mom took time off, and now he's been arrested for murder? What little energy I had left in me evaporated away in a heartbeat.

I called Niki to find out if it was true, but she didn't know. Nobody had a clue.

The story goes, in a nutshell, that they had a fight around 4:30 in the morning and then he called the cops to tell them he thought he might have killed her. She was pronounced dead at the scene, victim to "several lacerations to the throat..."

I barely slept Sunday night. I felt miserable and my nerves were all wound up. Sure, I barely knew the guy but at the same time I had worked and joked with him on several different occasions. It's not something you shrug off.

Monday morning I could barely stand up. I was still utterly sick - I had no voice, I was hacking uncontrollably, and I had to keep blowing my nose every 4 to 6 minutes. No matter though, I HAD to go to work. I stopped at Sterling and got some Halls Throat Drops and headed over to work. Kelly, Niki, and Pete were all there, and Jake and Theresa were working the 1'st Shift. I felt relieved to see things still running, but I knew Linda wouldn't be around. Not for a while...

I saw Pete and told him I couldn't believe it and he was like: "Yeah, it's so NOT his style!" Pete was right too. It's not like any of us would have ever expected this from Linda's son. Then again, no one ever expects this kind of shit. You always see some old lady on the news: "Oh, he was so nice. Very Polite. Helped me build a dog pen!" You never see some raging a-hole like me yelling: "He was a FREAKING PSYCHO! Power Tools running at all hours of the night... and shit..."

I made it through yesterday, but just barely. Today I felt better, but not by a whole lot. I'm still feeling pretty congested and I still have the cough, but it's not nearly as bad today. I'm more worried about Linda though. I'll get better eventually, but Linda will be dealing with this for a long time. I'm praying for her, and I'd do anything possible to help her, but it all still feels like it's not enough.

At this point? I just don't know what else to say....


"This sort of thing isn't supposed to happen to normal people..."
- Linda, yesterday while crying at Howards