My God! It looks like "Hee Haw" PUKED in here!
- Red Forman (That 70's Show)

My mind is in overdrive. There is too much to think about and not enough brain-power to go around. I'm kind of buried in my own little low-rent-cook realm of beauty trying to deal with a lot of "life" right now...

Right off the bat, I didn't win the $230 Million in the Mega-Millions lotto yesterday, so my dreams of a normal life or opening a cafe\coffeehouse are still just Dreams. Then there is the fact that until yesterday I hadn't seen Linda in almost two weeks. Plus, people dieing... Jeb's grandfather passed away a few days ago, and a Corner Grill regular (Smitty) passed away on Monday, as did Doris Troy (The woman who sang "Just one look").

Smitty was a trip and a half. He would come into the Grill wearing a hat that said "Today is a Beautiful Day, Now watch some dumb bastard screw it up!" and he walked with a cane that had a 9mm pistol for a handle. Smitty was a gun-nut. He kept AT LEAST one loaded gun in every room in his house, and he hated hippies. (No, I'm not kidding...) He had just turned 90, and was in the Grill the day he passed. He had some coffee told us a story about how he turned his Dog loose on a bunch of hippies once, then he left and went to the doctors for an appointment. He went home with a clean bill of health and died later that afternoon.

I remember searching all over, back in 1992, for a copy of "Just One Look" by Doris Troy. It was one of those lesser known songs that had yet to become retro-pop through usage in movies and commercials. I found it on 45record for $2.50 in Spring Meadows and played the F outta it. Sometimes I go on these little quests to find music and it's boarderline Obsessive. Of course, now that P2P is so pop, it's a lot different. Less adventure. Less of me trying to be resourceful. No more finding the prize in some dusty bin in some dinky lil' record store. Although, there is still a thrill when it comes to making a custom mix CD and slapping on something rare or unique and watching someone's eyes light up. (Kind of like when Baxter hears on of my mixes with "Indiana Wants Me"...)

I'm sorry to Jeb for his loss, and I hope Troy's step-dad is doing okay.

Next up I'm thinking of relationships. Of course, there is no woman in my life and I'm starting to think that maybe that's the way it should be. Not that I like that idea, mind you, but maybe my life is in a kitchen knocking out culinary creations of epic proportions. Restaurants are widow-makers. It's hard to stay with someone who lives in a kitchen and comes home just to sleep. But on the other hand, that's the life... (sigh) Purpose without romance, but surely with some love. Ironic? No. People fawning over an exceptional creation is substitute for the love of a partner for a lot of chefs. It's not what I want, but it's better than what I have.

And then there is my current working relationships. Me and Linda. Me and Kelly. Me and Theresa. I missed Linda a lot over the last two weeks and everyone thinks I'm fuck-crazy for it. I LIKE working with Linda. She's become a mentor in a few ways.

Then of course, there is me and all my friends. Jeb, Baxter, Kristy and Tom, Troy, Billy, Edwards, and a bunch of other familiars. So wild to think how far I've come in 28 years, but how far behind I've fallen.

So to pass the time, I've been working on menus and mix cd's. I revisited my old "Bakery Tape" mix idea (the one I worked to EVERY day at SG way back in the day...) and I'm making a nice chill-out disc with the likes of Bobby Darin and Edie Brickell on it.

Life in BG, you know? It's easy to wind up and get lost in yourself. But I'm trying to take a step back and look at life in a new light. I'm very thankful for what I've got and for the people in my life.

You guys rock.


"Well, let's go get some Faygo and pick up some Fat Chicks...."
- Russ (A Corner Grill regular) as he was getting up to leave Thursday
"(GASP) Niki is gonna shit!"
- Kelly seeing "Hello Kitty" mechandise in a catalog
"What? She doesn't now?"
- Me in response
"What was I gonna say? NO?"
- Edwards

I'm a cold piece of work...

It's been one of "those" weeks so far. I told Jeb I would help him with his PC and... you know... WOW... I've never had so many problems as I had with that thing, but... Being that I'm me, I conquered the beast. Unfortunately I didn't get XP on his machine, but he is sporting the lovely Win2K Pro OS and everything is running tip-top so F-it.

I was seriously stressing with that thing too. It's an older Celeron 400 and it just wouldn't work with me. I wound up bringing it home with me, making Win2K boot disks on my machine, and starting over from scratch. I added a CD-Rom, 10\100 card, and a new 56K modem, then let the MS-Beast do it's work. I sat back, read some Kerouac, and listened to "Cantaloupe Islands" by Herbie Hancock while the software did it's initial work. I thought a lot about this weekend while the machine hummed and clicked away doing it's install. I mean, I've barely seen Linda this week, plus I'm still wound up over Saturday night. (Did I impress her?!?!) This computer business was completely putting me out, but when I got it going and had a little Jazz in the background, everything came together nicely. Aside from some modem troubles and a fuck of a time finding a driver for the Ethernet card, things went smooth.

I feel a little drained. Butterflies in my stomach. Nerves shot. I'm just sitting here listening to the Sonic's doing "Since I Fell For You" and drinking some apple-cinnamon tea trying to chill out but it's not helping. Not a whole lot anyways. My most therapeutic moment all week came this morning while I was at work and the song "Who's that lady?" by the Isely Brothers came on the radio. I always get into that song. Dirty flanging guitars and those intense lyrics. When ever I hear it I get this weird feeling like I should drop everything and just run out the front door and chase after some unseen beautiful woman.

Aside from that, I got an e-mail yesterday inviting me to my 10-year HS reunion. REUNION? The act of re-uniting? Mmmm, no... I don't think we'll be doing THAT. I didn't want to see any of those people when I was in HS, and ten years hasn't got me all juiced up to head back.

Yeah... so, like, Law & Order is about to start so I'm outta here.


Jeb: "Is your password still "HANNAH"?
Jay: "PHHHTT! No! I'm not living in the past!
Jeb: No, but you ARE really lazy.

"I love you - Three simple words uttered millions of times a day by millions of people, some of whom might even mean it."
- From an article in USA Today

"I'll stand in front of you, I'll take the force of the blow... Protection..."
- Massive Attack

A little less conversation, and a lot more action please...

It's been a while, but I've needed a little time to put myself back together. Things have been rough. I was pretty sick for a while and while it was nothing to stop my life all together, it was enough to make me not want to do anything except watch Law & Order and drink tea.

But... I'm back on my game...

Edwards called earlier this week, Baxter and I had cigars and Port at Fidel's then made Beignets and had coffee while watching the third piece of Pulp Fiction, and yesterday there was an epic dinner - The First of the year.

This had been in the works for 2 weeks, actually. Me jotting down notes and sifting through magazines and books, looking for the perfect meal for Saturday the 7'th. Truth be told, it all started over Billy wanting Eggs with zucchini and me hearing the song "The Air That I Breath" by the Hollies. It's weird to think of what makes an person's mind work sometimes. Seriously, I'm probably the most un-motivated person alive but then in a flash, I'm off on some self-destructive quest for the enjoyment of my cooking by others...

Sometimes... All I need in the air that I breath and to love you...

I woke up one Tuesday, at 5:00am, to the Alarm on my clock buzzing violently. I flipped on the radio and there it was... That bendy-guitar riff and the opening of a song that I never thought too much of before. But before the song was over, I saw a spread of food, wine and desserts for archives to take note of. I walked to work and kept hearing those timpani banging away. I got jittery, just like when you see someone you have a crush on. My whole body was tightening up and I knew this was it - the next step. This is the year I re-affirm my love of food, and this would be the beginning.

Over about three weeks, I kept planning, changing, tinkering, toying and loving every idea that came into my head. Could I combined two ingredients THIS way or could I display my entree THAT way? I kept thinking of Ben Afflec in Boiler Room saying: "Motion creates Emotion!"
I kept working silently and slowly toward my goal. Menu, Budget, Shopping, Mise en Place, Production...

There is so much that goes into an evening of eating. Anybody with a pair of hands and 50 bucks can make a plate of food and give it a fancy name, but what about everything else? Mix-CD's? Flatware? Table dressings? Guest list? It can get complicated...

I was at Panera when the initial "fear" hit me. Who would be invited? Who would accept the invites and who wouldn't? What would I serve and would accompany items on a plate? What wines would I serve? Would there be cocktails? Would a crazy-assed Ex-GF show up, you know, just to say"hi"?
As I sat eating a cinnamon scone, I listened to the music of The Misfits, Binary Star, Oakenfold, and Badfinger. Music helps me sometimes, and sometimes it works against me. This was on of those" with me" type experiences, and from there it just kept getting better.

Bruce Wayne and Dick Grayson, dynamic combination, Get into simple complications, Burning sensations....

Jeb was right there for all of it. "Yo Jeb, I need plates!", "Yo Jeb, we'll be working from 1:00 till we're fucking done - capice!?!", "Yo Jeb! We gotta get this!", "Yo Jeb! We gotta get that!" And Jeb just smiles and soaks it up. He's my right hand, one of my legs (you pick), and at least half of one of my ears. Tony Bourdain (author of "Kitchen Confidential") devoted a chapter in his book to the idea of the "perfect" sous chef, and F-be if Jeb isn't my perfect sous chef. Mouthy, devious, quick, smart, and seemingly innocent. Jeb's not innocent! Jeb is my doppleganger! I'd like to say he's my evil twin, but, you know... How can we BOTH be evil?

Friday afternoon, right as I got off from work, I went to Bellville and got the meat, and then to Cohen and Cook and got the greens for the salad. I hauled some major ass to get home, get showered, and get ready for Jeb to arrive so we could go get groceries. Around 4:00 we went to Krogers and picked up essential items, then went to Meijer, and then went back to the house to unload. We went to Arby's for a quick bite to eat (The freaks were out in force) and then back to the house again for me to get started working.

Barry White... Saved my life...

I made, over the course of like 5 hours, a cheesecake, a shee-load of sponge cake, and a chocolate bundt. This was the basic prep for my dessert plate. There was no other way for me to do this besides getting it all out of the way on Friday night. Near 9:30 when the cheesecake got done, I went down and made two Trip-Hop mix CDs. Great stuff too, Like Morcheeba, The Angel, Massive Attack, Pharcyde, and Sneaker Pimps to name a few. 154 minutes of audio bliss to set the mood for a 5-course meal.

Then came Saturday...

Give me a moment! Give me a moment!!!

I got up, somewhat instinctively, at 9:30am. I'm not much for over sleeping anymore. I like sleeping in, but it's not like the days where I could sleep till 1:00 if need be. I got up, went down to GFT and got some coffee and a donut, and just tried to chill out. Put myself together, you know? This was it! Come 1:00, there was nothing else that I could do but grab my ankles and say "thank you" if things went South.

Jeb showed up just after 1:00, and we ran to Meijer, then BK, then back to the house to get started. The whole day moved quick. We started and just did our prep and knocked out the menu-concept till everything was ready... And this is what it kinda sorta maybe looked like:

Tomato Basil Soup with Rosemary Foccacia & Herbed Butter

Mixed greens with Walnuts, Parmesan, and Port Wine Glaze

Orzo pyramids with Eggplant, Tomato wedges and Spicy Tomato Sauce

(entree)
Tournedos in Balsamic Vinegar
Garlic Peppercorn Mashed Potatoes
Baby Asparagus tied with Chives over Tomato slices

(dessert)
Cheesecake with Raspberry Coulis
Chocolate Bundt with Apple Confit
Tiramisu towers


And there it was! Everything moved out of the Kitchen with a certain amount of Grace and Style and, as I was told, tasted great.

I drank a lot of red wine yesterday. I was wound up pretty tight, and at about 6:50pm I started to freak out. Was everything ready? Were we on schedule? I got the shakes. My appetite bailed on. I was a wreck.

I'm special... SO special... I'm gonna make you notice...

Baxter showed up first, and Jeb started a fire in the fireplace. Kristy and Tom were next, followed by Kristen. Anne showed up last, and damn... She is beautiful.

Anyways...

I got more and more wound up. I took three of four spoonfuls of soup and a nibble of the Foccacia. I was not in any shape to eat. I managed to kill most of the salad though, before Jeb whisked away with my plate and told me: "Yeah, you're finished..."

I was into the presentation of the Orzo plate, but it seemed sort of bland on the whole, but the tomato sauce had sufficient kick to even everything out.

I ate the Tournedos, half the potatoes, and some of the asparagus, but didn't make it far before my nerves got the best of me again. More wine fixed that...

I made everyone take a break before dessert. I was clear there needed to be an hour before we could dive into THAT course. So we all sat in front of the fireplace, drinking port and CabSav and passing around a disposable camera while telling stories of the past summer and my trip to SD and the Gee Lopes PHEE-NOM. (And I would like to point out that Anne not only liked the GL stickers, but made it clear what a "good idea" it was! HA!)

You... Are my Angel... Sent from Way Above...

Finally, we headed into the realm of "dessert". When we got to Dessert, my mix-cd's had reached the point where we were listening to tracks by Portishead, Saint vs Sinner, and Massive Attack. Dark, eerie stuff like the "Scorn" version of Glorybox and the M.A. classic Angel. But the music was only a sliver of the whole experience. Jeb made the whipping cream while I kicked out a warm apple confit. I was in the most tense mood of the entire evening. This was it! Fuck this up, Jay, and you're finished in this town! You'll never work in this business again! Jeb and Baxter will STAB you in the neck and scrump your throat till they bump cranks!!!

I was petrified, to say the least.

But, somehow, it all came together. A fluffy cheesecake with a drizzle of Raspberry Coulis, Tiramisu dusted with cocoa, and a Chocolate Bundt accompanied by a warm apple confit... We all shared dessert plates - Jeb and Kristen, Kristy and Tom, Anne and I. Baxter got his own. I took a few nibble, but centered my sights on the port - the bassline hammered out from the song Angel attacking my confidence. My stomach turning constantly, I managed to smile and make a few well timed comments without showing how badly I was shaking.

What I always fail to notice are the smiles. The "thank yous". The "this is great" comments that keep rolling during the course of an evening. I only see the clock, and the plates. Timing, presentation, quality - With an "L". Everyone, I think, was happy with what was served. There was nothing except a little soup and the extra portions of the dessert left over.

Quickly though, everyone filed out. And even though it was only 11:30 or so, I was coming apart. My stomach was so upset and my nerves were so wound up, I needed an "end". Everyone left and Jeb and I sat and talked about life for a few minutes in front of the dieing fire. He gave me props, and I thanked him for being "him" but I was done.

I looked at the mess around me, and it was a doozie. I locked the house, and collapsed in bed. The last thing I remember was hearing "Sleepwalk" by Santo & Johnny. I crashed...

And I slept all night. And by "slept" I do mean SLEPT. No tossing, no 6-1/2 hours of listlessness, dead-sleep. Sleep like from the old days when 11 hours was enough to put me out for a night without a double-dose of NyQuil to keep me company.

Woke up this morning... Got Yourself a gun...

I got up around 9:30. Well rested and ready for a new day. I got out of bed, and put on a mix CD with A3 on it. I listened, somewhat poetically, to "Woke up this morning". I put on a pair of jeans and sat back in my Futon. I lit a Parliament and thought about my plan of attack for the day. Panera for coffee and a cinnamon roll, then back to clean house, then a break for "Die Hard With a Vengeance", then time down here in the basement to write the exploits of a wicked-hard wannabe chef.

Another day, another meal. But now, as I look back - above all else, I accomplished my highest goal: To re-affirm my love of food. I put together a menu, Jeb and I knocked out the meal, and served it to a awe-struck crowd of regulars and one newbie. Everyone was happy, so I'm happy. Tomorrow I'll go back to work and act like nothing ever happened. Linda will yell at me for some odd mistake and I'll croutch around like I'm a big screw-up that can't be trusted, but that's the best part. I don't want to be a celebrity chef on the Food Network competing for the glory. My time in the sun is special, and I want the people around me to enjoy it too. Popping out and blowing everyone's mind is what makes me what I am. So there.

Basta! Quello è esso! Sono fatto!


Selected Music:
Elvis - A Little Less Conversation (Original Version)
The Hollies - The Air that I Breath
Binary Star - Conquistadors
Fun Lovin' Criminals - Love Unlimited
The Misfits - Hybrid Moments
Pretenders - Brass in Pocket
Massive Attack - Angel
Santo & Johnny - Sleepwalk
A3 - Woke Up This Morning (Chosen One Mix)